A Day of Firsts

Tomorrow starts a day of first for all of us. We just got back from our one and only "family" vacation tonight at 7pm and jumped right into packing bags for school tomorrow.

Cause tomorrow each one of us will have a day of firsts - Ava starts 1st grade, Nathan has his 1st day of preschool, Lias will go to daycare for his 1st time and I have my 1st day of nursing school. Technically, John started his 1st day of his new school, the Duke Fuqua (I still don't know how to say that without sounding weird) School of Business, in June but we'll still count him in our day of first.

We're not quite sure what the heck were doing over here. But this year should be interesting, or at least crazy busy, and I just wanted to record my thoughts as we jump into it. I'm scared for the kids, nervous that I'll ignore the kids, excited to start learning again, disappointed that our summer came and went without half the stuff I thought we needed to do, sad that my days won't be spent lazing around the house with the kids, and anxious that we'll all fall apart if we keep up this crazy schedule. I know change can be a good thing, but I find that often times, even if I initiated it, I still resist it and when it finally starts to feel comfortable, it usually changes again.

I just read my post from exactly 1 year ago, about Ava starting kindergarten, and it made me bawl all over again. Except this time I'm not that sad for Ava's childhood to be gone, but nervous that maybe I'm ruining both Nathan's and Elias's too. Nathan is extremely anxious about most changes in his life, and while he loves the preschool he'll be going to, whenever I mention it he gets a scared look and tells me how much he doesn't like it because of ________ (fill in the blank for whatever Nathan has decided makes him nervous that day). Lias also loves it (we've been a few times with me hanging out with them), but he's the one I really feel the guilt for. He's the most easy going baby (we've lately been having a debate back and forth over if he's still a baby or a big boy - right now he'll tell me he's "mama's baby big boy") but I don't want to take advantage of his nature to force him into things I want him to do. This fall, my classes are only 2 mornings a week, so they'll only spend Tues and Thurs mornings, but I still wonder if that's too much.

But then I think about how much more balanced I feel this year, moving forward with this whole school thing, than I did a year and a half ago when I decided I had to start doing something or I would lose my mind. One evening class lead to another, until I realized I had all my prereqs done to get into nursing school. Then John decided it was time for an MBA and I realized I was off the hook for incubating a new baby for 2 years - exactly the time requirement for nursing school. I applied, halfway hoping to get turned down, and did - by 2 schools (UVA and another community college) I thought I'd get into, but then my 3rd option (and least stressful one) came through. So now we're going for it, with the understanding that my little ADN in Nursing from the local community college is the first to go by the wayside if things get too hard to handle. John's on board, I'm on board, I just hope the kids don't fall off the boat if it gets too choppy.

When I got my degree in Animal Science, I loved the reproduction side of things and I've always been fascinated with childbirth so I'm exploring nurse midwifery. To go anywhere in nursing, you have to start with an RN, so that's what I'll be studying for right now. I hope that once I have it, I'll be able to work a flexible few hours a week until my babies are all much bigger, then I can go back to school for the midwife thing. But really, who knows - I like to plan out my life but really I know I'm not the one in charge of it. I'm just trying to make sure that I remember that as I plow forward with this year.

Ahhhhhh...... here goes.....